Dakota Beacon

There was a time when good conversation existed as an art form. The give and take in badinage resembled a thing of beauty. As wit matched wit, and remark elicited response, the conversation settled into a sociable event.

As a kid, I enjoyed hanging around adults in conversation. These were grown-ups at play in a silly sort of way. In their words, jargon, and gestures they resembled actors on a living room stage.

Now, as an adult, participating in conversation transitions into more than a spectator sport. Swapping information, sharing stories, and trading ideas with friends hints of quiet leisure. Before radio, TV, and smart devices, conversation in the salons of Europe provided stimulating entertainment. Even today, coffee houses and cafes still offer fine opportunities for pleasant conversation. Talk is cheap and chatting is an inexpensive form of recreation.

There is conversation -- and then there is conversation. Idle chatter and casual talk certainly qualify as does the exchange of information. Dialogue may ascend to dizzying heights of intellectual discourse even though the topic be mere cracker-barrel philosophy. Mutually explored questions and ideas make conversation sparkle.

Banter and gossip embrace the basic and safest form of exchange. “Hi. How ya doin’?” (As if the questioner really cared!) “Looks like rain.” (Maybe not.) This chat goes nowhere fast but does fill a void. It may serve as an icebreaker. At best it becomes tedious, and at worst, boring.

On a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being the safest and least intimate form of conversation, casual talk might rank between 1 and 2. Casual conversation grows slightly more pointed than does banter. Often this proves a benign way to size up another person. Gentle probing takes place without exposing too much of one’s self. Typical topics elicit remarks about kids, pets, and job.

Storytelling is fundamental to conversation. Stories may be told for content as well as for effect. They serve as conversational illustrations to make a point or give emphasis. Consciously or unconsciously we tell stories about familiar topics: kids, pets, family members, experiences on the job. An effective story uses emotion, movement, suspense, and change of pace to the best effect. Hands, arms, and body language all add emphasis.

What about level 3 conversation when one participant refutes the idea of another? Why, they engage in a little repartee. This is the civil way to tactfully upstage a disparaging remark by another with a timely and impromptu remark of one’s own. Delivering a repartee is much like delivering a touché when dueling with foils. The salute, the engagement, the lunge, the parry – and then the touché.

Here is an example. When in Paris, Ben Franklin sought out Edward Gibbon, author of The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire. “I have the highest respect for your genius and abilities,” said Gibbon, “but I cannot converse with a revolted subject.” To which Franklin is reported to have answered, “And I have the highest respect for you, sir. Whenever you wish to begin a new history, The Decline and Fall of the British Empire, I should be glad to afford you the materials.” That is repartee.

Possibly the most weighty form of genuine conversation occurs between a mature husband and wife. Ideally, these two people above all others, after several years of marriage, should be able to share with one another on the most intimate topics. On a scale of 1 to 5, this conversation might be at a level 4 or possibly 5. At this level the speaker is most vulnerable and exposed, the risk is great, and the immediate gratification is nil. Yet, ultimately, the union shared by two people is fortified when they are open with one another. Because of absolute vulnerability, conversation at level 5 rarely occurs.

Beware the tyrant of talk, the person who tyrannizes conversation. This self-centered person interrupts others in mid-sentence and seldom permits another to complete a thought. No give and take and no exchange of ideas occur. A monopolized conversation collapses when the yielding partner loses interest.

At its core, humility salts a good tête-à-tête. Mutual respect one for another in dialogue builds trust between parties. Leaving our self behind sharpens our focus. We are aware of the other person and what they are saying and thinking. Together, two speakers engage in flair and wit to the enjoyment and benefit of both. Each, in turn, defers to the other.

Two friends part company following pleasant badinage. Little sentiment shows on the surface. But their hearts sense eloquence and a bond of camaraderie.

            “See you later, Joe.”

            “Ya’, same to you. Say ‘Hi’ to the folks.”

            “You betcha’.”

Dennis M. Patrick can be contacted at (JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)