Dakota Beacon

Dakota Drapery School researchers confirmed at an early morning news conference on December 21^st, 2008 that they have long suspected that the construction of multitudes of wind-power generators could eventually slow the rotation of planet Earth on its axis.

Instantaneous microwave transmission of wind data from around the world is fed into a central mega-computer located deep within the high security Mickelson Park Technical Center in Fargo, North Dakota. Increasingly complex computer models, developed during the last decade, have brought the question of “Local Calming” to a point of alarming urgency.

Dakota Drapery School, founded over 50 years ago, first noticed a slowing of drapery sales in the early 1970s with the construction of a full size replica of an 1877 windmill (that had been converted to steam in 1879 and torn down in 1920) at Mennonite Heritage Village in Steinbach, Manitoba. Long time residents of Fargo recall the concerns expressed by their ancestors during the two years the windmill had been in full operation. One such story was recounted by Markus Berntson, great-great grandson of Doldrum Berntson. “One nice summer day in 1877, the north wind just vanished! The milk cows got spooked and went dry for a couple days, never again reaching their full teat capacity.”

Construction of the replica windmill in Steinbach, Manitoba in 1972 had an even more devastating affect on residents of Fargo. Markus recalls that fateful day when the earth shook the mounted “Saint Helen” on his car’s dashboard, sending it crashing to the floorboards. It was the fall of the year, late September he thinks, when a large flock of Canada Geese flying south at about 15,000 feet went into a stall that quickly became a coordinated nose dive; hundreds of geese hit the ground so hard and bounced so high that goose excrement covered the entire neighborhood to the west of Mickelson Park. At the same instant, Markus’s uncle “Bovine” Berntson was on approach to Hector Field when his piper cub let out a whimper and stalled out; Bovine was able to pull back on the stick and land safely but had to change clothes in the general aviation terminal. Bovine explained to the airport manager and a gathering crowd that it just seemed like the air stood still…then asked for a “show of hooves” of those who had seen him walking into the terminal with his jacket covering his backside… to see who his “friends” were!

In the days and weeks subsequent to the “goose down” incident, residents of Fargo noticed that the drapes in their houses were not wafting away from the open windows of their homes like they had in the past. But Fargo residents had that indomitable spirit and worldly insight that told them to go out and buy plastic window blinds to replace the drapes. Sure enough, the lighter material of the plastic blinds would move with the reduced breezes that were prevalent since the “goose down”. Needless to say, Dakota Drapery was about to go out of business had they not thought of a most innovative solution. Markus decided to diversify the company’s income opportunities by teaching the art of “drapery-making” to local high school dropouts so they could form a union and apply for unemployment. Hence the Dakota Drapery School began its journey as an institution of higher education, teaching skills that graduates could apply to daily life.

Dakota Drapery School prospered and the “goose down” incident became a distant memory until fire destroyed the 1972 windmill in Steinbach, Manitoba at 3:30 AM on Sunday, October 22^nd, 2000. Only a few hours later, a migrating flock of Canada geese was cruising above Fargo headed south for the winter. All of a sudden the entire flock began to beat their wings furiously, climbing to almost 30,000 feet, where they became little black dots configured into a “Flying Vee” like you’d see occasionally in a hockey game. Residents of Fargo that ventured out to walk their dogs that crisp Sunday morning noticed a distinctly discernible breeze, very unusual for a cool morning in October. It was on that morning that Markus began to put two and two together… and, after a month of calculations, he decided to once again re-invent Dakota Drapery School as a full-fledged “research” university! He convinced his State Representative to introduce a bill in the next legislative session that would provide increasing funding to Dakota Drapery School. The following year he received word from North Dakota Senators Con-man and Door-knob, and his Congressman, Little Lord Pomeroy that Dakota Drapery School was to become a “Model of Mediocrity” and receive unlimited federal funding as long as the school agreed not to make draperies that could compete unfairly with other window coverings.

After hiring a full-time grant writer, the funding and resulting research efforts began to focus on the “Global Calming” that Markus instinctively knew was caused by the construction of windmills. But a hunch is not enough! Markus brought in experts (former “spurts”) from all over the globe to share their similar findings and form a political arm of the “Global Calming” movement (actually, a “lack of movement”) called the “Brownshirts”.

Subsequently, the “Brownshirts” made anti-capitalism Hollywood movies, held Wind-million Man Marches on Washington, and established a system of “Calmness Credits” on the New York Stock Exchange. Innovative entrepreneurs from all over the planet are finding ways to produce more wind on the earth’s surface to compensate for the increasing calmness wrought by increasing windmill construction. One such idea has the doors of the U.S. Congress fully opened during each day that congress is in session, producing enough wind and creating enough imaginary wealth to fund an addition “Model of Mediocrity” each and every month that congress is in session.

Perhaps the most innovative wind producing project to date, however, is the idea proposed by an aging Icelander to harness the wind resulting from the claims of local school district boards, school district administrators, and their friends on city & county commissions and park district boards that administrative costs for K-12 Education are not too high, but just right…

Lastly, it goes without saying that all of this could have been avoided if the Dakota Drapery School early on could have convinced the rest of the world that windmills have a potential to cause environmental damage that is exponentially more destructive than fossil fuels and nuclear waste combined.

The above satirical essay is dedicated to “Teacher of the Year” Beth Ekre, a sixth-grade teacher at Carl Ben Eielson Middle School in Fargo. The people of North Dakota are and should be very proud of Beth Ekre and grateful for the “excellence in the classroom” that she represents!