Dakota Beacon

That parents influence their kids is an understatement. Sometimes they impart lessons intentionally; sometimes not so much. The way they behave may be far more instructive than what they say. Setting the example inadvertently teaches without preaching. That’s how I came to understand an important life skill.

Plan ahead. That’s what my folks used to say. “If you have a plan, you’ll always know where you’re going and how to get there.” That was one of my father’s axioms.

For the most part, my folks were great planners. They had a plan for everything. If we took a trip, they had a plan. During the holidays they had a plan. It seems that for any occasion they had a plan.

Like most kids, I followed the example my folks set as I grew through adolescence into adulthood. Have a plan and follow it. You can always adjust, but you must start with a plan.

Growing older, I saw in my parents the epitome of organization. They had a plan to finance their retirement and they had a plan to administer their estate after they left this world. Was their planning a noble effort or a compulsion? I believe it was the former.

In spite of their conscientious effort a shortcoming became evident. This was not a defect in their plan but in their planning. The substance was appropriate. What struck me is what they failed to consider. Meticulous in their financial provision for retirement and specific in their wishes after passing on, nevertheless they expressed no vision of what would happen between the start of retirement and the end of life. It’s as if their life would be frozen in time. Macabre as it sounds, this left a huge circumstantial gap in their planning.

The more I observe people, the more I am convinced a similar circumstantial gap is common among the over-sixty crowd. I suspect that denial born of fear in dealing with the reality of a slowly declining life plays a major role. It’s not easy to acknowledge mental and physical decay when life comes at you fast. Life remained in my folks, but in a way that changed daily.

Don’t we all have an aversion to thinking about the unthinkable? The “it-won’t-happen-to-me” syndrome sets in and ignoring the issue does not help.

I watched my parents struggle with aging bereft of a “plan.” Slowly, they became less capable of managing their own affairs, making rational decisions, providing basic care for themselves.

My folks taught me from their unspoken example. Finish the plan and deal with the inevitable now while there is time. For this I am grateful and am resolved to avoid falling into the same deception that snared them.

There’s more to growing old than acquiring long term care insurance. There are real issues each person must contend with. Questions present the beginning of a checklist.

Where will you reside in the waning years? Near children? Has this been discussed with them? Is it fair to satellite on them unannounced? Or, is it more appropriate to reside in an assisted living facility?

Who will handle your financial matters when you can no longer work with numbers, balance a checkbook or make sense of a financial statement? Who do you trust to make  decisions on your behalf?

Who will tend to your medical appointments and medications when your memory fades? Is that person reliable?

Who will shop for groceries when you can no longer drive; who will prepare your meals when your spouse is gone?

Is it fair to presume your kids will do the job if you haven’t explicitly discussed these matters with them? Is it wise to trust your kids to intuitively do the right things without first coordinating with them?

Or, maybe you would rather not think about these matters and just let things happen taking your chances as they come?

A final point. In the end, literally, an abiding Christian faith transcends all. Such faith serves best if nurtured in life and not left to the end. Think about it.

Learning how to anticipate life's events before they happen and to plan for those events is a life skill. It is cultivated as much by observing what others do – or don’t do – as by what they say. In this sense, my folks were ample teachers.

Dennis M. Patrick can be contacted at P. O. Box 337, Stanley, ND 58784 or (JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).